dearrrrr god 

what i like about my black moor goldfish, Potter:

- he is quiet and easygoing. every once in a while he’ll burp and chew loudly, but for the most part, he likes to keep to himself.

- he’s clean. i only have to change his water once every 3 weeks or so, and even then, it isn’t looking too bad. he enjoys eating his own poop.

- he gives kisses. when i walk in and no one else is home, i can walk up to his tank and he will come rushing to the glass to greet me. 

- he will listen to you. while you talk about how shitty your day went or how good everything is going, he will listen to every word you say and internalize it. he doesn’t give much feedback, but i can tell he cares.

- he’s a badass. he’s all black, has hazel eyes with pepper flakes in them, giant hipster glasses, and a flow-y tail that resembles a cape. 

- sometimes he has a mustache.

- he likes to be held/pet.

- he hasn’t died yet and it’s been 6 months.

dani and i found another dimension the other day. i’m still trying to figure out how to access it. 

we wrote on a mirror, a marker in the right hand and a marker in the left hand. by not thinking too much about it and staring straight ahead, we started from the outside and worked our way in, writing our names inward. neither name looked right, with the E’s and the G’s backwards on both sides, but when you put them together, it extended on the Z plane towards you. if you look at it from the side of this hypothetical plane, the name would extend outwards towards you… 

idk, i thought it was trippy. pretty cool.

next time you’re at a party and you need a trick, hand people some markers and have them try it out. chances are, they won’t even be able to do it

happy new years! 

alright anyway.

- jump on the couches and scream really loudly while taking a million instagram pictures for facebook

- try a little bite of each See’s candy chocolate in the tray that’s left out for the guests. but put it back- if you don’t, it’s rude.

- be elitists. if you came there with two other people, stick to those two people and hang around in a circle

- drink everyone’s alcohol

- explore a host’s house without asking

- insult the host/don’t leave when they ask you to

- blow the party whistle non-stop.. then steal the party favors

- introduce yourself as someone else and then say jk and tell them another fake name

i went to the club with my friend the other day for her birthday. it was extremely ghetto and jam packed like a can of sardines with horny ethnic boys looking for a girl to rub their weiners on for the night. soooooo… we made it our mission to keep them away. and trust me when i say: IT WAS NO EASY TASK.

here are some tactics we employed throughout the night (as the night went on, we thought we’d see how ridiculous we could get without being punched in the tits) ->

1) it started out pretty simply. the boys would approach without even asking if it’s alright if they invade our ass space, and we would simply turn around in their face and scream bloody murder.

2) a few of them got the jist and ran away after that, and that worked well for a while. then i wanted to push the limits and see what else we could do. so when a guy would approach me from behind and start to wiggle his junk on me, i would thrust my butt back super hard. if you hit the balls and made him cringe— you get 20 points!! if not, it’s fine because they still don’t want to dance with you because you look like you’re having a seizure and… dat ain’t hawt.

3) those were the unlucky guys. we were a bit nicer to a few. some guys who came up to us and asked us to dance simply got a loud, rude, “NO!!!!!!” however, others were luckier and did get a dance. buuuut, we insisted that we were the humpers- aka, we got to be in the back. if they were okay with the somewhat gay dance that we were offering them, then we would dance for a bit, violently humping their booties until they couldn’t handle our manly moves anymore ;)

4) at this point we were becoming infamous and guys were coming up to us just to see what we would do to them. i started to get beyond creative: i came up with painful dance moves. sooo, sure, the guys could dance with me, as long as they didn’t mind a bruised chest. i had this move somewhat like the funky chicken. i threw my my elbows back dangerously toward their chest, and a lot of them just couldn’t handle it… ouch.

what?? that’s just how i dance. 

5) then we gave them the frozen stare: you think i’m cute, you wanna dance? mmk. i turned around, intimidatingly bumped my chest back and forth to the beat, and stared them right in the eye with an angry glare on my face. no blinking allowed. don’t move your face. they laughed for a minute, but eventually got cranky and left me alone. (this is basically what Jenna Marbles tells you to do)

6) another easy tactic: STOP MOVING. they wanna dance? okay. but what happens if they come up to grind on that pretty little ayasss of yours and you just stop moving all together and clench your buttcheeks? well that’s no fun… they walk away quickly. 

7) thennn we started surprising them with a picture to the face. i got a few guys like this, and it definitely freaked them out. but then i stopped because i was scared i would get my camera broken… but ANYWAY, i held the camera button down halfway and then when a guy approached me from behind i turned around real fast and snapped the flash in their face. i should make a tumblr wall of shame with pics like that! (props to Shweta for that idea)

8) aaand finally, we were just being plain gross: this actually didnt work nearly as well as i thought it would. one guy in particular was especially difficult to get rid of by this… he said, “wanna dance?” and i said, “i’m not sure. i have pretty bad gas right now and i’m wearing a short dress…” i tried to make it believable but i guess he didn’t care. so i tried to give him a titty twister… he enjoyed it. gah he was hard to get rid of.

but actually being gross did work once. the club was closing, and everyone was trying to make a last-minute hookup. 

“what are you doing after this?”

“taking a big shit,” i said with a serious face. 

“with who?” the guy said, giggling. 

“my toilet.”

“mmk, what’s your number”

“1-800-poo-alot.”

he finally went away, frustrated and confused, maybe even blue-balled. 

just overall, the club was damn un-classy. ghetto ladies everywhere humping on boys like they were at a legitimate rodeo (what is an illegitimate rodeo?), drunk bitches yelling out, “i wanna get fuuuuuucked!”, bored-looking girls shoving their bony bums on bored-looking boys up against the sticky wall.. who knows if they were even having a good time. 

but i know i was! 

i got the critique done today on my Monday story! it went better than I thought it would… basically exactly what I expected them to say was what they said, and i wasn’t offended by anything. i kept wanting to smile every time that someone said, “i loved the narrator. she’s so consistent, humorous, and relatable.” It makes me really happy that that came across well. the narrator was meant to be me.

of course, i did expand on things a bit more cynically than i would in reality, but i still tried to stay true to what i think on the day-to-day. 

i still hate being passed on my bike. i still hate not having a place to sit. i still hate elevator communication. i still hate my roommate’s dirty dishes. however, i don’t mind the dog.

i really enjoyed my story. i tried to put my thoughts and feelings into the story because, in a way, i wanted the class to critique my personality. that sort of backfired and they critiqued the story more, as expected, but i wish that they had analyzed the subtext a bit more (which would have meant analyzing me). explicitly complex but implicitly simple. 

my story was about loneliness and resistance to change. sometimes it’s just easier being cynical and pessimistic. it’s more humorous than real life. if you go around seeing the “good in everything,” then you’ll have nothing to laugh at… at least that’s how i see it. that would mean not seeing irony, not having sarcasm, not hearing the devil’s advocate, not being realistic in a lot of situations. life’s discrepancies make for the best jokes. 

to be alone.

what the fuck. 

today when i was doing laundry, i randomly burst into tears about this. 

how could anyone do this to anyone? i’m all for hugging shit out. discuss feelings… don’t use pepper spray on innocent protestors. even if they were using “civil disobedience”…. who gives a shit? it wouldn’t be an issue if the police were never called to begin with. it’s time for the people to not just be heard, but to be listened to. 

to the police officer who sprayed those kids: you suck. do you have children at home? what do you think about at night when you go to bed? are you just taking orders, or do you believe in the things that you’re doing? who’s side do you want to be on? i’m so sick of people blindly following orders.

be your own person, make your own fucking choices. however, be considerate, and constantly be putting yourself in others positions and check in with yourself to be sure that you aren’t becoming corrupt or anything like that… don’t let free opinions get the best of you.

^^^ not really sure if that made any sense at all. i’m sorta rambling. the point is: there are a lot people in this world who suck. try not to be one of them (aka mr. ucdpd).

it’s time to find someone who’s worth it.

I’m a thinker. But I’m not sitting here thinking about famous philosophers and existentialism, etc. I think about things that would make me laugh, and things that would hopefully make you laugh, too.

“What if” scenarios are my favorite. 

1) What if Davis wasn’t known for riding around bikes, but rather, for riding around dogs? 

- Just picture it. At the bike racks, dogs are leashed up, waiting for their owner to return. There are Great Danes and Standard Poodles everywhere. I suppose you could even have a miniature horse if you wanted to spend a little extra cash. Some are whimpering, some are growling at strangers, some are dead. If you trained your dog to bite strangers, then they would never be stolen. 

But when theft did occur, you would see brutal pre-med villains running around in the night, sawing off the legs of dogs. “My dog is falling apart… It needs new legs. I’ll attach them later.” Alright fine, it’s gruesome. But what if?

And then people riding around on skateboards would ride around snakes, and people on rollerskates would sport squirrels. There would be blood streaks all over the ground, patterned in loops and waves. But then what if every animal’s blood was a different color? That could end up being really pretty…. 

Just a thought.

2) What if the quad were a giant trampoline? 

- Getting to class would be so much easier. It would promote healthy exercise, and it would be so much more fun than dewy grass. It would also be really convenient for people with grass allergies. :)

3) What if they had free college universities specifically for homeless people?

- This would be great because we would round up all the homeless folk on the streets and put them in an educational setting, giving them a chance at life… Blah blah. 

Could you imagine? All these 25-60 year old dirty ass homeless people sprinting to class with books in their hands, the look of worry and stress fresh on their face, but for an entirely different reason than they are used to. 

Frat parties: All these dirty alcoholics running around, making out with one another in dark corners and grinding on each other to shit like “Say Ahh” by Trey Songz. It could get really ridiculous. 

The dorms: stacked boxes  ….. need I say more?

Basically, my head is full of ridiculous ideas. That is all.